Humorous Quotes

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. - Jerry Seinfeld

I question the value of name tags as an aid to future identification. I have approached too many people who have spent the entire evening talking to my left bosom. I always have the insane desire to name the other one. - Erma Bombeck

Some mornings I just feel like breaking the damn alarm but then one thing always stops me. I paid hundreds of dollars to buy my phone. - Job Might

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right? - Conan O’Brien

People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death. - Jessica Simpson

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief." - Christopher Titus

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. - Bobcat Goldthwait

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. - Evelyn Hendrickson

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions. - Robert Brault

I have two problems with hard labour: hard and labour. - Jarod Kintz

What good is a smooth tongue without sharp teeth? - Jocelyn Murray

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