Humorous Quotes

I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar. - Demetri Martin

When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps; when he says perhaps, he means no; when he says no, he is no diplomat. - Vernon K. McLellan

All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer. - Homer

Love thy neighbour – and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier. - Mae West

Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose. - Evan Esar

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done. - Peter Ustinov

Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. - Woody Allen

There's nothing the matter with Hollywood that a good earthquake couldn't cure. - Moss Hart

A leading authority is anyone who has guessed right more than once. - Frank A. Clark

The uglier a man's legs are the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. - H. G. Wells

We kill people who kill people because killing people is wrong. - Unknown

I keep eating for fear I will be hungry. - Mason Cooley

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