humorous Quotes

It's actually not too difficult to get a dog to bring a ball back to you once you learn how. It helps to start by understanding that dogs are just trying to teach you to play their game while you're trying to teach them yours. Who ends up training whom first depends on you. Keep in mind that dogs are naturals as animal trainers, while humans aren't, so you'd better be on your toes when you start to try out "fetch" with a new dog. - Patricia McConnel

Nobody says you must laugh, but a sense of humour can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the day. - Ann Landers

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world. - C.S. Lewis

There is never a deed so foul that something couldn't be said for the guy; that's why there are lawyers. - Melvin Belli

Some members of Congress ought to have their mouths taped instead of their speeches. - Evan Esar

I retired early for health reasons – my company was sick of me and I was sick of them. - Unknown

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late. - Frank Sinatra

The best thing about the good old days was that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old. - Unknown

Marriage: I think my wife fell in love with annoying me. - Joshua Michael Levinson

If people were meant to pop out of bed, we’d all sleep in toasters. - Unknown

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. - Ellen DeGeneres

What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others. - Diogenes

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Coconut Oil

Miracle Oil. I prefer fresh coconuts though. Love them. I am sure I will be eating coconuts whenever I can.

https://www.davidwolfe.com/2-tbs-coconut-oil-60-days-brain/

Quote Worthy

The masses have never thirsted after truth. Whoever can supply them with illusions is easily their master; whoever attempts to destroy their illusions is always their victim. - Gustave le Bon

It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things work. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get. - Confucius

A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

It is better to drink the wine of industry from an earthen cup, than the wine of indolence from a silver tankard. - William Scott Downey

The distances between the stars seem brief by contrast to the distances between each of us and his fellows. - Thomas M. Disch

If you hang out with chickens, you’re going to cluck and if you hang out with eagles, you’re going to fly. - Steve Maraboli

Sometimes what you’re most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free. - Robert Tew

You can’t control who knocks at your door but you can control who you let in. - Unknown

No one travels so high as he who knows not where he is going. - Oliver Cromwell

The creation of a thousand forests lies in one acorn. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I am not who you think I am. You are what you think I am. - Unknown

Arriving at one point is the starting point to another. - John Dewey

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Puns

What is a Pun?
A Pun is a joke or type of wordplay in which similar senses or sounds of two words or phrases, or different senses of the same word, are deliberately confused.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence. - Unknown

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. - Unknown

A will is a dead giveaway. - Unknown

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. - Unknown

Constipated People Don't Give a crap. - Unknown

Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. - Unknown

Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? - Unknown

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. - Unknown

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? - Unknown

Don’t join dangerous cults: practice safe sects. - Unknown

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. - Unknown

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving. - Unknown

He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz. - Unknown

He had a photographic memory which was never developed. - Unknown

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. - Unknown

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Food for Thought

Einstein does not remain attached to the classical principles, and when presented with a problem in physics he quickly envisages all of its possibilities. This leads immediately in his mind to the prediction of new phenomena which may one day be verified by experiment. - Henri Poincaré

Forgive the past. It is over. Learn from it and let go. People are constantly changing and growing. Do not cling to a limited, disconnected, negative image of a person in the past. See that person now. Your relationship is always alive and changing. - Brian L. Weiss

I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me. - Isaac Newton

Get going. Move forward. Aim High. Plan a take-off. Don’t just sit on the runway and hope someone will come along and push the airplane. It simply won’t happen. Change your attitude and gain some altitude. Believe me, you’ll love it up here. - Donald Trump

Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back. - Mitch Albom

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Humorous Quotes

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. - Jerry Seinfeld

I question the value of name tags as an aid to future identification. I have approached too many people who have spent the entire evening talking to my left bosom. I always have the insane desire to name the other one. - Erma Bombeck

Some mornings I just feel like breaking the damn alarm but then one thing always stops me. I paid hundreds of dollars to buy my phone. - Job Might

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right? - Conan O’Brien

People always say that pregnant women have a glow. And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death. - Jessica Simpson

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow

A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief." - Christopher Titus

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me. - Bobcat Goldthwait

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. - Evelyn Hendrickson

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions. - Robert Brault

I have two problems with hard labour: hard and labour. - Jarod Kintz

What good is a smooth tongue without sharp teeth? - Jocelyn Murray

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Alcohol

Good news for some, bad news for others, immaterial for most.

A new study suggests that people who don’t drink alcohol are more likely to die young.

Click on the link to read the article.
http://www.businessinsider.com/abstaining-from-alcohol-significantly-shortens-life-2013-12?IR=T&utm_content=buffere012c&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer&r=US&IR=T

On the other hand, if you are someone who drinks alcohol regularly, you need to read this ...
http://www.collective-evolution.com/2016/03/12/if-youre-someone-who-drinks-alcohol-regularly-you-need-to-read-this/

And also this...

8 warning signs of a high-functioning alcoholic.
https://www.davidwolfe.com/8-warning-signs-high-functioning-alcoholic/

At the end of the day, moderation is the word - in all things.

Quote Worthy

We have not the reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how it is made. We have lost as much as we gained by prying into that matter. - Mark Twain

You cannot force someone to comprehend a message that they are not ready to receive. Still, you must never underestimate the power of planting a seed. - Unknown

Clutter is not just physical stuff. It’s old ideas, toxic relationships and bad habits. Clutter is anything that does not support your better self. - Eleanor Brownn

Sometimes, giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun, because they missed you the first time. - Unknown

There may be people that have more talent than you, but there’s no excuse for anyone to work harder than you do. - Derek Jeter

You don’t learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing, and by falling over. - Richard Branson

It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out: It’s the pebble in your shoe. - Muhammad Ali

Surrender becomes easier when you realize the fleeting nature of all experiences. - Eckhart Tolle

A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free. - Nikos Kazantzakis

Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity. - Horace Mann

The altar cloth of one aeon is the doormat of the next. - Mark Twain

It's not how we fall. It's how we get back up again. - Patrick Ness

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Laughter

He who always prefaces his tale with laughter, is poised between impertinence and folly. - Johann Kaspar Lavater

His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him. - Charles Dickens

However spontaneous it seems, laughter always implies a kind of secret freemasonry, or even complicity, with other laughers, real or imaginary. - Henri Bergson

I don't trust anyone who doesn't laugh. - Maya Angelou

I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I'll go to it laughing. - Herman Melville

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person. - Audrey Hepburn

I prefer that laughter shall take me unawares. Only so can it master and dissolve me. - Max Beerbohm

I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. - Billy Joel

I'd rather write about laughing than crying, For laughter makes men human, and courageous. - Francois Rabelais

If we may believe our logicians, man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter. - Joseph Addison

It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things, that while there is infection in disease and sorrow, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humour. - Charles Dickens

It is a good thing to laugh, at any rate; and if a straw can tickle a man, it is an instrument of happiness. - John Dryden

It may be remarked in general, that the laugh of men of wit is for the most part but a feint, constrained kind of half-laugh, as such persons are never without some diffidence about them; but that of fools is the most honest, natural, open laugh in the world. - Richard Steele

Food for Thought

Everyone can be great because anyone can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't even have to make your subject and verb agree to serve ... You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love. - Martin Luther King

I know not what I appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me. - Isaac Newton

I think it happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the way you do. And so you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on. - Nicholas Sparks

Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. - Miguel Angel Ruiz

Each of us, famous or infamous, is a role model for somebody, and if we aren’t, we should behave as though we are – cheerful, kind, loving, courteous. Because you can be sure someone is watching and taking deliberate and diligent notes. - Maya Angelou

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