Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically. - Unknown
Not only does my mind wander... sometimes it walks off completely. - Unknown
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn't coming in clearly? I fee that way about far too many people. - Unknown
Remember: When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig it up. - Unknown
The guy at the furniture store told me the sofa would seat 5 people without problems. Then it occurred to me, I don't think i know five people without problems. - Unknown
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Law of mechanical repair
After your hands become coated with grease, you nose will begin to itch, and you’ll have to pee.
Them: "What do you do for a living?"
Me: "My best. I do my best."
The Math teacher asked Johnny, "How many feet are there in a yard?"
Johnny responded, "It depends on how many people are standing in the yeard!"
Some asshole looked at my beer belly in the bar last night and sarcastically asked, “Is that Budweiser or Heineken?” I said, “There’s a tap underneath it, taste it.”
Sometimes, when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." - Jack Handy
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