Quick Wit

[On losing an election] Like a little boy who has stubbed his toe in the dark … too old to cry, but it hurt too much to laugh. - Abraham Lincoln

 ‘It’s happened at last,’ he moaned.  ‘I'm going out of my mind.’
Good idea said the voice.  It’s getting crowded in here - Terry Pratchett

“I am not much of a mathematician,” said the cigarette, “but I can add to a man's nervous troubles, I can subtract from his physical energy, I can multiply his aches and pains, I can divide his mental powers, I take interest from his work, and discount his chances for success.” - David Starr Jordan

A gentleman who had been very unhappy in marriage married immediately after his wife died. Dr. Johnson said, it was the triumph of hope over experience. - Samuel Johnson

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' - Anonymous

A physicist visits a colleague and notices a horseshoe hanging on the wall above the entrance. 'Do you really believe that a horseshoe brings luck?' he asks. 'No,' replies the colleague, 'but I've been told that it works even if you don't believe in it.' - Niels Bohr

An epitaph on a tombstone in a small southern Illinois cemetery reads: Here lies a democrat and an honest man. Our question is: How did they get two guys into the same grave? - Don W. Adams

In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying, “General, I fear the angels are waiting for you.” Waiting are they? Well-let 'em wait.” - Ethan Allen

Actual evidence I have none, But my aunt's charwoman's sister's son Heard a policeman, on his beat Say to a housemaid in Downing Street That he had a brother, who had a friend, Who knew when the war was going to end. - Reginald Arkell