Today's Humour

Always laugh when you can. Laughter might not solve your problems, but it will help to take the edge off your difficult moments. Life is more bearable when you laugh. As long as we keep our sense of humour, we keep the doom and gloom at bay. Laughter helps you to enjoy life even when you do not have everything you want. And it doesn’t matter if you revel in the coarsest puns or the raunchiest jokes.

Enjoy today’s selection of humour. Remember the ones you like, and you can go put a smile on someone's face. They might not tell you, but they will be thankful to you for that. We all like someone who can make us laugh.

Say you were standing with one foot in the oven and one foot in an ice bucket. According to the percentage people, you would be perfectly comfortable. - Bobby Bragan

I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it. - Charles Schulz

Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn’t seem to be working. - Unknown

To make a long story short, there’s nothing like having a boss walk in. - Doris Lilly

If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all. - Joey Adams

Nowadays some people expect the door of opportunity to be opened with a remote control. - M. Charles Wheeler

Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humour. I think it’s my modesty that stands out. - Unknown

Poverty is an anomaly to rich people; it is very difficult to make out why people who want dinner do not ring the bell. - Walter Bagehot

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on second-hand information and trust. - Jarod Kintz

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. - Tina Fey

One more drink and I’ll be under the host. - Dorothy Parker

Scientists say the world is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons. Hell, they forgot to mention Morons. - Unknown

A couple of Valentine jokes

It’s been projected that Americans will spend over $13 billion this Valentine’s Day. And guys who forget Valentine’s Day will spend over $100 billion. - Conan O’Brien

Valentine’s Day is weird. A nude flying baby that shoots arrows isn’t a holiday. It’s a horror movie. - Jimmy Kimmel

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